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December 25th, 2008
02:15 am - not sure I meant to log into this.
2 am Texas
and I can't sleep. Visiting my parents in a distant state. It's not Christmas excitement so much, more likely it is the redbull I drank earlier. I watch a movie at my parents house in the guest room and nostalgia hits me. I used to not be alone/lonely so much. I mean yeah I hang out with people, but no one close to feel that warmth I used to feel. I try to replace it with so many different and wrong things, but it's because I am scared. No one wants to be alone, but when you face rejection enough it's easy to lock yourself away. I can't find the keys. I think I need to get over it, the fear that keeps my mouth shut all the times I should have openned it. The opportunities I kept missing out on, but those don't come by too often now. I am not sure if I maybe me being alone is actually better for the rest of the world, at least as far as the opposite sex is concerned. Maybe I had my shot and the rest of the path I walk alone. I hope it isn't. I keep dreaming of the same person, but she never looks the same. It's the inner part that doesn't change, and I don't think she's real. Or if she is, I think maybe she already passed by and I said nothing. Or maybe she's the potentiality that I need to find. I finally start getting the other shit together and yet, no one's looking.
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December 6th, 2008
08:46 pm
another year nothing accomplished but the task of living and getting by.
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August 7th, 2008
07:42 pm - What a day
It was a fateful day.
Even that years Olympics were interrupted for the press conference
They stood in front of the cameras, all disheveled and sweaty.
Science had a new face, and this face looked like it just had a cigarette.
They had done it. They figured it out.
The mystery that was sex, was finally figured out.
While the discovery should have meant parades through the streets.
As conflicts that were once shaking the world solved themselves in sweaty surrender,
No one was leaving their house those first weeks,.
It was like the whole world was acting as a child just discovering that their private parts do things.
Since that day many years ago, no wars have happened.
And finally a heterosexual boy met a heterosexual girl and no one was awkward.
Then the fog of sleep wears off.
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February 1st, 2007
09:07 pm
so maybe I'm going to start updating again. now that I remember my password.
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April 6th, 2006
12:48 am - guide to the mundane
It usually starts with a grunt, though sometimes a moan works just as well. Thoughts haven't collected yet. Existence consists of various fragments of protocol, routines, subroutines, until, eventually, bodily necessities come to the forefront. Sleep is usually rubbed from the eyes sometime close to this point. Depending on which day of the week it is, speedy thoughts of joy, horror or ambivalence race past.
Usually it is in the shower where one begins to actually contemplate the coming day. Whether it’s the upcoming events to get excited about, or the upcoming situations to dread, it’s hard to distinguish one day from the next. Is this week any different or is it the same as the last few? The shower helps you forget the routine for a moment. Hot water, like music, feels good on the skin.
The television is on either the news or cartoons, its’ purpose not so much to entertain or inform as it is on to keep your own mind from working. The senseless morning chatter of the news team, repeating the same stories over and over again. Traffic will be bad, leave early they say. Every day the television will say to leave early. If you really follow that advice, every day you are leaving for work earlier and earlier, until you have never left the office. The alternative is not much better. That annoying high-pitched squeals of bad cartoons is loud enough to startle you. Strangely, their candy colored violence offer no less intellectual stimulation.
Morning commutes tend to taste the same just about everywhere in this great land. A mixture of lingering toothpaste or mouthwash (the Listerine counter-culture grows daily) sometimes mixed with Arabica beans. Sometimes smoke left over from last night lingers inside the minty morning taste. The cigarette lit on the way in still can’t quite mask the last hints of toothpaste that persist, but chewing gum while smoking just seems to taste wrong. The radio chatters inanities that will likely be forgotten by lunch. What won't be forgotten is the person cutting through traffic and almost causing a multiple car pileup.
Later, on the commute home, a mini-sense of deja vu will accompany one as they begin to replay the morning in reverse. The bed is welcoming and sleep is a must if one is to be ready to do it all over again tomorrow. And then the day after that, must not forget that.
This process is to be repeated in five-day increments.
This process is to be repeated in five-day increments.
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April 1st, 2006
04:36 pm
I worked the first night of my second job, parking cars for Whiskey North. Actually directing, I don't valet. I got off from renew life at 6 had to be there at 7 and worked until 3 hung out til 430. It was actually alright, different that anything I had done before. Doing this fri and sat for a few months to catch up on finances. It is strange to work with Victoria's best friend after what just happened but her friend said she really does want to remain friends, we just can't talk for a few weeks. She threw out and deleted everything I ever got her or reminds her of us to make it easier I heard. SO I guess she's a repressive type of person and it makes it quite clear that I am better off. Besides time alone right now will allow me to write, and to refocus and decide on next level of education.
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March 30th, 2006
October 19th, 2005
06:53 pm
So I haven't updated in a while, but today seems appropriate. I am feverish right now, but nothing I can't deal with. Overall, despite this bastard of a flu that greeted me yestarday morning, today is alright.
I worked my first day at my new job. Last night I said goodbye to CFS forever (I hope) and some tearful goodbyes to co-workers. Most of them I will still be friends with, at least those that matter. The new Job is closer to my school field. It is a nutriceutical company that makes fiber and digestive products. I won't be doing sales, I hate sales, I wanted out. I am instead educating clients on the proper use and methods to using our products. Our clients are health food stores and retailers, not individuals. The training is intense and won't be over until dec or early january, but it is paid training and pretty much at the same level of info that my undergrad was at. So I am getting played to go to school and learn about the human digestive system. The company is cool, providing lunches daily and believing in employee comfort. It is owned by a naturopathic doctor.
Everything else is going ok right now I would have to say, I just have to get over this stupid flu.
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September 27th, 2005
02:22 am
So it was awkward, but not clumsy. It is a prerequisite when two shy people who know what they are doing meet in that manner. It's always chemistry at first. Molecular collision, energy is or is not produced. Apply pressure, ignite spark, like a piezo glow. And maybe something more ignites...
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02:14 am
Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.
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September 22nd, 2005
02:32 am
You are a
Social Liberal
(83% permissive)
and an...
Economic Liberal
(5% permissive)
You are best described as a:
Socialist
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid |
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September 16th, 2005
12:33 pm - holding my breath for 27 years
It can't be sane to live this way/forehead drenched, legs buckle and sway. Eyes shut tight (it keeps You out) and holding my breath (to keep in that shout). If I Could fall right now, I think that maybe I would, but You hold me up in light of the Truth. I don't exhale (A refusal to breathe), and if I keep these eyes closed I won't have to see. But then You never left me and You never Will leave/So I created a lie that You were so very far from me. I thought that if I filled my lungs with all the wrong things, maybe all this would fall away from me. The weight of this Truth or the awful lie, anything, everything, nothing to escape this time. I've wanted to suffocate of my own regard, to pull away from You (don't I always make this hard?). You're listening now, as I write this down, I know You're reaching out, but will I turn around? Will the stale air pour out of my lungs?/Will my mouth find those words or will I swallow my tongue? I'm pretty sure I don't want to live like this, considering all the Truths I would have to miss. So I admit that falling from You was my biggest mistake, but You still have been protecting me every step of the way. I don't think I'll fall next time (at least not like this), and those nights spent hating myself I don't think I'll miss. So in this time of change, hope, anger and fear, I ask You to come closer and hold me near...
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September 14th, 2005
08:17 am - I need luck and lots of it.
I am off to a job interview in about 10 minutes that I wasn't nervous about until just now. I mean actually stomach achy nervous. I don't know if I even will want the job, it isn't completely in my field (public health) but is a sales position (not a big fan of sales). The pay looks incredible (twice my annual salary now) and could get me well on my way to financial freedom, but if I don't get it, no biggie. Still I am nervous. Anyway, wish me luck if anyone reads this.
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September 10th, 2005
12:32 pm
I was at the meridian hookah lounge last night enjoying a cappuccino smoke with a friend and getting really annoyed at the music, until one of the Dj's friends started freestyling. For some reason, the usual postal service/sigur ross people don't work there on friday or saturday, and they play hip hop, but not good hip hop. The guy freestyling though, that was impressive. I like the hookah lounge, you can do a lot of thinking in those cushy couches and dark lighting, your body becoming immobile from the nicotine rich vapors. My thoughts kept getting interupted by conversation, but I don't regret it. I feel that sense of sadness fading off, leaving me in a state of numbness that is not unpleasant. Leaving me ready to see what is next around the corner. Actually eager to find out what comes next.
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August 9th, 2005
11:46 pm
My brain is like a trainwreck on the next day right now. Not much activity, but a big mess. I'm depriving myself of sleep lately, and I don't know why. I just feel the need to be awake all night. It's playing hell with my thought patterns. I'm probably going to crash soon. A weekend of pure sleep. My hands feel remote and different and the keys are just pressing themselves. It feels that way. Found a cool job possiblility in my field. Pays what I make now, but I don't care, I would jump on it. I can't keep the room from spinning, it's different.
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July 26th, 2005
07:14 pm - almost too embarrassing to post...
Emo Kid
You are 14% Rational, 14% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 28% Arrogant. | You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even makes Jesus puke. If you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy lines about depression, sadness, and other such redundant states of emo-being. Your personality is defective because you are too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself, decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a bit too inhibited.
I probably made you cry, didn't I? Fucking Emo Kid.
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.
3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.
Compatibility:
Your exact opposite is the Smartass.
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hippie, the Televangelist, and the Starving Artist.
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If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.
The other personality types:
The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant. |  |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 2% on Rationality | | You scored higher than 11% on Extroversion | | You scored higher than 44% on Brutality | | You scored higher than 19% on Arrogance |
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July 10th, 2005
10:47 pm
It's been awhile and I really miss all of you. I don't have working internet at home, as my modem and airport station were electrocuted in a storm a month ago and I am still trying to get everything else in my life in order before internet. I miss LJ, I miss alot of things lately. I am starting to miss sobriety.
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May 15th, 2005
12:20 am
Your #1 Match: INFP
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The Idealist
You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. |
Your #2 Match: INTP
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The Thinker
You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.
Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.
Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.
A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.
You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor. |
Your #3 Match: ENFP
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The Inspirer
You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!
You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. |
Your #4 Match: ENTP
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The Visionary
You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression.
You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything.
Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off.
You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments.
You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor. |
Your #5 Match: ISFP
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The Artist
You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now).
You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children.
Simply put, you enjoy bueaty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life.
Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs.
You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer. |
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April 7th, 2005
06:20 pm
Wasabi green peas, I love you, let me count the ways. There is nothing greater than someone buying you a bag of wasabi roasted green peas, for no other reason than they saw them and knew you liked them. This is why good friends rule. This is why sidesplitters tonight might not actually suck. I am noticing a trend of late though. Most of my male friends are kind of disappearing (mostly due to new schools and new jobs away from this dirty little city) and instead I seem to have a large majority of female friends. This is strange. For instance, tickets to sum 41, I seem to be going with only girls, as the other two guys (my best friend and another friend from work) decided they needed the money more and sold their tickets. I am now going to be at a concert surrounded by estrogen and I don't know if it is good or bad. I will probably have to jump in the pit just to keep myself masculine.
The one good thing about it is that generally my closer female friends are great at selling me to girls I might like. Meaning they talk about just how great I am. Now trust me on this, I don't believe a word of it. But I do appreciate it.
I had to go do my taxes today, and whilst at work this girl decided to use my hand as a tic tac toe board. I was on the phone so I couldn't really do much to stop it, so here I am with two people writing tic tac toe squares on me. I went to H&R Block and felt really retarded talking to the girl with a big (won't wash all the way off) ink stain of x's and o's on me. Then one of the cashiers in the mall thought it might be cute if she added to one of them. So now I am trying to dress semi decently but even after scrubbing my skin away I seem to still have tic tac toe on the back of my hand. yay.
I want to write creatively but I guess that will have to wait till tonight, as I have to get ready. I have about a million unorganized ideas making my head feel like a tempest.
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01:19 am
tired, tasks for the evening just finished, and now the bed is looking oh so inviting. Too bad I am up in less than five hours, to go to the place I hate. Still if what I just finished and sent off goes through, I may be moving on to a new job. My friend Michelle upsold me so well to this Doctor, that hopefully I will get a recruiter position for a study. SUre it is grant based work, but I need a new job stat, because it is just gettig too oppressive at CFS, plus, I would like to not drive through that traffic all the way to pinellas every day. Wish me luck, pray for me, or whatever you believe to do to throw over some support.
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poetsdontknowit's journal
