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Fading into Grey

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December 25th, 2008


02:15 am - not sure I meant to log into this.
2 am Texas

and I can't sleep. Visiting my parents in a distant state. It's not Christmas excitement so much, more likely it is the redbull I drank earlier. I watch a movie at my parents house in the guest room and nostalgia hits me. I used to not be alone/lonely so much. I mean yeah I hang out with people, but no one close to feel that warmth I used to feel. I try to replace it with so many different and wrong things, but it's because I am scared. No one wants to be alone, but when you face rejection enough it's easy to lock yourself away. I can't find the keys. I think I need to get over it, the fear that keeps my mouth shut all the times I should have openned it. The opportunities I kept missing out on, but those don't come by too often now. I am not sure if I maybe me being alone is actually better for the rest of the world, at least as far as the opposite sex is concerned. Maybe I had my shot and the rest of the path I walk alone. I hope it isn't. I keep dreaming of the same person, but she never looks the same. It's the inner part that doesn't change, and I don't think she's real. Or if she is, I think maybe she already passed by and I said nothing. Or maybe she's the potentiality that I need to find. I finally start getting the other shit together and yet, no one's looking.

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December 6th, 2008


08:46 pm
another year nothing accomplished but the task of living and getting by.

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August 7th, 2008


07:42 pm - What a day
It was a fateful day.

Even that years Olympics were interrupted for the press conference

They stood in front of the cameras, all disheveled and sweaty.

Science had a new face, and this face looked like it just had a cigarette.

They had done it. They figured it out.

The mystery that was sex, was finally figured out.

While the discovery should have meant parades through the streets.

As conflicts that were once shaking the world solved themselves in sweaty surrender,

No one was leaving their house those first weeks,.

It was like the whole world was acting as a child just discovering that their private parts do things.

Since that day many years ago, no wars have happened.

And finally a heterosexual boy met a heterosexual girl and no one was awkward.

Then the fog of sleep wears off.

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February 1st, 2007


09:07 pm
so maybe I'm going to start updating again. now that I remember my password.

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April 6th, 2006


12:48 am - guide to the mundane
It usually starts with a grunt, though sometimes a moan works just as well. Thoughts haven't collected yet. Existence consists of various fragments of protocol, routines, subroutines, until, eventually, bodily necessities come to the forefront. Sleep is usually rubbed from the eyes sometime close to this point. Depending on which day of the week it is, speedy thoughts of joy, horror or ambivalence race past.

Usually it is in the shower where one begins to actually contemplate the coming day. Whether it’s the upcoming events to get excited about, or the upcoming situations to dread, it’s hard to distinguish one day from the next. Is this week any different or is it the same as the last few? The shower helps you forget the routine for a moment. Hot water, like music, feels good on the skin.

The television is on either the news or cartoons, its’ purpose not so much to entertain or inform as it is on to keep your own mind from working. The senseless morning chatter of the news team, repeating the same stories over and over again. Traffic will be bad, leave early they say. Every day the television will say to leave early. If you really follow that advice, every day you are leaving for work earlier and earlier, until you have never left the office. The alternative is not much better. That annoying high-pitched squeals of bad cartoons is loud enough to startle you. Strangely, their candy colored violence offer no less intellectual stimulation.

Morning commutes tend to taste the same just about everywhere in this great land. A mixture of lingering toothpaste or mouthwash (the Listerine counter-culture grows daily) sometimes mixed with Arabica beans. Sometimes smoke left over from last night lingers inside the minty morning taste. The cigarette lit on the way in still can’t quite mask the last hints of toothpaste that persist, but chewing gum while smoking just seems to taste wrong. The radio chatters inanities that will likely be forgotten by lunch. What won't be forgotten is the person cutting through traffic and almost causing a multiple car pileup.

Later, on the commute home, a mini-sense of deja vu will accompany one as they begin to replay the morning in reverse. The bed is welcoming and sleep is a must if one is to be ready to do it all over again tomorrow. And then the day after that, must not forget that.

This process is to be repeated in five-day increments.

This process is to be repeated in five-day increments.

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April 1st, 2006


04:36 pm
I worked the first night of my second job, parking cars for Whiskey North. Actually directing, I don't valet. I got off from renew life at 6 had to be there at 7 and worked until 3 hung out til 430. It was actually alright, different that anything I had done before. Doing this fri and sat for a few months to catch up on finances. It is strange to work with Victoria's best friend after what just happened but her friend said she really does want to remain friends, we just can't talk for a few weeks. She threw out and deleted everything I ever got her or reminds her of us to make it easier I heard. SO I guess she's a repressive type of person and it makes it quite clear that I am better off. Besides time alone right now will allow me to write, and to refocus and decide on next level of education.

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March 30th, 2006


11:48 pm - That's just great
<td align="center"> Matt --
[noun]:

A deadly strain of projectiile vomit

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

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October 19th, 2005


06:53 pm
So I haven't updated in a while, but today seems appropriate. I am feverish right now, but nothing I can't deal with. Overall, despite this bastard of a flu that greeted me yestarday morning, today is alright.

I worked my first day at my new job. Last night I said goodbye to CFS forever (I hope) and some tearful goodbyes to co-workers. Most of them I will still be friends with, at least those that matter. The new Job is closer to my school field. It is a nutriceutical company that makes fiber and digestive products. I won't be doing sales, I hate sales, I wanted out. I am instead educating clients on the proper use and methods to using our products. Our clients are health food stores and retailers, not individuals. The training is intense and won't be over until dec or early january, but it is paid training and pretty much at the same level of info that my undergrad was at. So I am getting played to go to school and learn about the human digestive system. The company is cool, providing lunches daily and believing in employee comfort. It is owned by a naturopathic doctor.

Everything else is going ok right now I would have to say, I just have to get over this stupid flu.

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September 27th, 2005


02:22 am
So it was awkward, but not clumsy. It is a prerequisite when two shy people who know what they are doing meet in that manner. It's always chemistry at first. Molecular collision, energy is or is not produced. Apply pressure, ignite spark, like a piezo glow. And maybe something more ignites...

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02:14 am
Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

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